A Field Guide to the Baby Bean

Plate I · Identification

How to recognise a baby bean

Often confused with ordinary humans. The trained eye looks for the following diagnostic features.

a
Eyes. Capable of finding me across any crowded room, and of getting away with absolutely anything.
b
Smile. Documented cause of at least one skipped heartbeat per day. No known cure. None wanted.
c
Hands. Cold, always. Fit perfectly into mine, also always. Science cannot explain both at once.
d
Heart. Vastly oversized for a bean of this kind. Carries everyone she loves without ever putting them down.

Plate II · Habitat & distribution

Where the baby bean is found

Known habitats

The warm side of the bed (claimed territory, disputed nightly, never recovered)
Two steps ahead of me in every supermarket
Inside the blanket, wrapped like a burrito, leaving none for anyone else
Wherever the snacks are, within ninety seconds of their opening
The exact centre of my every thought

Distribution

Fig. 2 - Range map of one (1) heart. The shaded region marks colonised territory. No uninhabited regions remain.

Plate III · Observed behaviours

Notes from the field

Selected entries from the researcher's journal. The researcher remains hopelessly compromised.

07:14
Subject refused to get up. Pulled researcher back into bed instead. All research delayed by forty minutes. Worth it.
13:02
Subject stated, on record, that she was "not hungry". Subject then ate half of the researcher's chips. Behaviour consistent with all previous observations.
19:47
Subject laughed so hard she snorted, then denied snorting. The denial was undermined by a second snort. Evidence archived.
23:58
Subject fell asleep mid-sentence on the researcher's arm. Researcher stayed perfectly still for two hours. Arm: lost. Regrets: none.

Plate IV · Care & keeping

How to keep a baby bean thriving

Light

A minimum of one forehead kiss daily, administered at sunrise or whenever she wakes up - whichever is later.

Water

Regular cups of tea, made exactly the way she likes them, appearing before she has to ask.

Warmth

Keep roots wrapped in blankets. On rainy days, repot immediately to the sofa and do not disturb.

Voice

Tell her she is loved, out loud, every day. Studies confirm beans grow measurably better when spoken to.

Appendix A · Researcher's statement

To my baby bean -

I started this as a joke about your nickname. Somewhere between the diagrams and the field notes, I remembered there is nothing remotely scientific about the way I love you. There is no classification for it. No genus, no proper Latin name. Just you, and me, and the quiet certainty that you are my favourite discovery.

Thank you for every stolen hoodie, every snort you deny, every cold hand pressed against my neck without warning. I would not trade a single observation.

All my love, always -
your favourite scientist

Appendix B · Ongoing study

The garden

Every time you water the bean, something grows. The study has no end date.